About 10 months ago I started intensive outpatient therapy for anorexia. It has been a roller coaster ride and sometimes I have thoughts that I it would have been much easier if I just stayed with my illness. I have been officially diagnosed with OCD, ADD and anorexia. It would be so easy for me to say life sucks and crawl in a hole but I am going to fight this and win! This disease has been with me for over twenty years. Sadly, through therapy I have learned that I had many of the warning signs even before the disease fully developed.

The bottom line is I am sick! Very sick and really wanting to get better. Yet I stand in my own way. Ten months ago I opted to do outpatient therapy in lieu of going to a rehab center. In retrospect, I should have gone to rehab. While I have made some progress I mistook it for being better. I took a break from therapy after we brought our son home from Ethiopia. And I stopped taking my medication. I really thought I was in control. I WAS SO WRONG! This illness impacts not only me, but my family and friends. I am defensive and easily set off by things that really don't matter.

Today after three months of 'avoiding' my therapist, I swallowed my pride and went back. It was a harsh reality check for me. Brian went with me and was brutally honest with me. The truth really hurts when your pride is defending you. I am left here this evening playing back the conversation in my head. Knowing that I have to take the first step. My therapist has said it before, if I had cancer I would do whatever I could to get better. Well, Anorexia is a life threatening mental disease. It is the number one killer of all mental illnesses. While I look healthy, I am really unhealthy and completely screwed up in my head.

Tonight I am faced with a decision. Will I fight? Will I surrender to God, EVERYTHING, and trust he will get me through this? Everything I have done to date has not gotten me very far. I don't have all the answers. So now it's time to decide if I am willing to let go of this facade called control and surrender to the 'experts'. The people who God has placed in my life to get better?

My husband believes in me, that I can have a full recovery. My therapist believes I can have full recovery (she is in full recovery from anorexia). Most importantly, tonight I am reminded that Jesus died on the cross for this...for my healing.

So hear is to trying again. Along the way I might/will fall down but Jesus is there to pick me up. He has given me a wonderful family, therapist and friends who will be there if I will let them. I have to put aside my pride, my desire for control and let go.