Well I am three weeks post-op and feeling pretty good. I'm going to get a little personal, might be too much information for the few that actually read my blog...hahaha but too bad, you've been warned! AND THIS IS MY BLOG...my online diary so to speak!

Last week I got the ok from the doctor to take on light physical activity as tolerated. I immediately went for a walk and was back in the doctors office because of excessive bleeding and pain. He put me on 'bed rest' for the weekend. That basically meant no lifting, walking, cleaning or cooking (standing for long periods of time). For the most part I took it easy. Unfortunately, the bleeding hasn't stopped yet. It isn't as bad but it's still there. Doc says everything looks okay so it can be from stitches dissolving. It will take a while for things to heal there.

Something I am excited about. Before surgery I was getting my monthly cycle at least twice a month. So about every two weeks. I would cramp all month with certain times being worse. I would get irritable bowels and migraine headaches! Today, I am happy to report that I haven't been cramping, no irritable bowels! Life feels so good right now. The headaches are still there but that is hormonal and I will deal with that! I was able to keep my right ovary so no need for hormones. I lost the left one in 2007 because of a football size cyst.

Today is my first day back at work. I started my day bright and early around 7:15. Trying to tackle the endless emails and getting updated on what I have missed over the last three weeks. By noon, I was completely and utterly exhausted. I get fatigued so easily and all I am doing is sitting and working! I hope things get better in this area, I feel so lost and out of the loop! That feeling SUCKS!!! I am naturally a control freak so this is making me really uncomfortable.

Other stuff...my appetite has been terrible. I am rarely hungry and I'm not sure if that is a self-conscience thing or diliberate?!?! For the past week I have been living off of yogurt - I am totally craving this lately, protein shakes and the occassional meal. Oh and lots of fruit, which is really weird because I am not much of a fruit eater. Way more a veggie girl. Meat makes me want to vomit! On top of that I haven't really been eating sweets, basically because I'm not in the mood for it. Anyone who knows me, knows I love sweets. Yesterday, was Brian's birthday and I made him a chocolate chip cookie cake. I took a bite and like throwing up the rest of the night. I guess that wouldn't be a bad thing to not like sweets...Right???

Well, I need to get back to work, just wanted to throw my thoughts out there.

Today I finally grieved the 'loss' of the child we were going to adopt! The tears flowed like a river and I can say I am emotionally drained.

I received the phone call from the agency on Monday, June 27. Our case manager informed me that the mother of the child we were supposed to be adopting has decided to keep him. In complete shock I called Brian and then drove to his office to be with him. Of course, it hurt like hell and I cried but my mind was a little preoccupied with thinking about our daughter away at camp and surgery that I would be undergoing the following day.

I guess in some way I pushed this event in the back of my mind and decided to pretend everything was ok. Life moved forward, I went through surgery and thus forgot about the ordeal. However, we still had the child's pictures hanging on the side of our fridge in the kitchen. A few days after surgery when I was up and about I threw them away, figuring this would help me overcome our loss.

Friends would send messages telling us that they were praying for us. And for that I am so thankful. God is good!

Now it is a few weeks later and I am sitting in church. Tonight's service was about Faith, Hope and Love but mainly on how Hope fits into that group of words. It was a great message! After the message and during a time of worship it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears flowed, my heart ached. I could feel my throat closing up, the kind of feeling you get when something is really, really wrong. It felt like someone died! I was mourning the loss of this child whom I have grown emotionally attached to through photos, updates and prayer! I love this child even though he will never be mine. I love him with the love of Christ! I mourn the loss but realize what is best for him is to be with his birth mother. Even though I feel like someone has died, like I just went through what I would imagine going through a miscarriage feels like, I have hope! I have hope!!! My faith is in God, I know he loves me and I him. I can only hope that God will bring a child to Brian, Selah, and me. My hope is in God!

Because I've struggled (and still do) with anorexia one of my rules is that when I go to a doctor's office they are not to tell me what my weight is. They respect this wish because they know about my past. However, my current doctor's office has a rule too. They won't tell you how much if you ask them not to but they will tell you if you have gained or loss since your last visit. Today, the nurse said "You realize you've lost weight since your surgery, I just have to let you know that." I smiled and said, "really?"...MUSIC TO MY EARS...or is it?

Deep down inside I was celebrating. I could hear a voice in my head telling me how proud I should be of myself. How wonderful to be in control of what I am putting in my body. I should be proud of the fact that I am not a failure..what??? wait a minute, not a failure because I lost weight???...CRASH...STOP RIGHT THERE JEANNE!!! NO!!! I can't listen to that damn voice it is not the good one! It is amazing how after reading that book, Life Without ED I am starting to recognize certain thoughts/voices. Rather than celebrating the weight loss, which by the way I do not need to lose weight, I should be celebrating that I am healthy and making healthy choices! I need to have a healthy mindset as well. What the scale says does not define me as a person!

One small victory today...being able to recognize that my thoughts need to be refocused!

So my over ambition yesterday for walking has landed me on bed rest by the doctor.
I ran into complications later that night that resulted in excessive bleeding and cramping. The nurse on call was so amazing. She told me what to do and then even called back this morning to check on me. Then she told me that she was going to call the office (it was her day off) and tell them I was coming in.

My doctor was a bit concerned but everything looks ok. He told me to enjoy the rainy day and that I was to sit on a couch or lie in bed for the rest of the day and even the weekend. I am just thankful that nothing is seriously wrong and that all will be ok, but really BED REST??? That is the worst possible punishment to give me because I hate to sit still. I love to be busy and on the go...but this time I am going to listen to the doctor, after all he did go to school for over 8 years and has been at gynecology for a long time...he probably knows what he is talking about.
Oh and if you live in Greenville...I HIGHLY recommend Carolina Women's Health, they have blown me away with their 'above and beyond the call of duty' actions! Simply amazing!

And as for walking/exercise...I will stick to walking the local high school track slowly building up the mileage once I am off of bed rest! No more ambitious multi milers. I've got to take it slow!

So...I got the ok from my doctor to walk and so what did I do, I went for a walk. (eh hem I actually went walking before I got the ok but that was around the local HS track and I was only able to do 1.5 miles before I felt like I was going to pass out from exhaustion). It is quite amazing to me how much surgery takes out of you. (No pun intended on the 'takes out of you part') I feel great and I am mostly pain free yet doing ordinary physical activities is absolutely draining!

Any who, my husband is working from home today and I holler upstairs to his office that I am going for a walk. He sounds hesitant to let me out the door, he knows how stubborn I am. He says ok and tells me that whe will be here, I tell him I am bringing my cell phone and out the door I go for a 'walk'...No running...I still have stitches and I don't want to jostle my body that much. As a disclaimer let me just say that I should have taken the advice of my friend Wendi, when I spoke to her earlier today about going for a walk! She encouraged me to take it easy, try only a mile loop...that sounded good at the time...but...

As I set out I only planned on walking a mile...seriously...HOWEVER...I get to a mile and I feel pretty good. My right leg is slightly numb and feels a little heavier than my left but I am chalking that up to the surgery and it will go away. I should have turned around at that point! But no, I am stubborn and strong willed so I set out to do two more miles...By the time I got to the two mile marker I was wiped out!!! Stupid Jeanne, really stupid!!! Then I start to play mind games with myself to ward off the fatigue. That's when I hear "perfectionist Jeanne" say..."Look how strong you are, pushing through fatigue, look how strong you are"! UH WRONG!!! Look how ridiculous you are is more like it. What do I have to prove? I just had major surgery. Why does everything in my life have to be to an extreme? Why can't I just ease back into something? Why is it all or nothing?

Good news is, I made it home safely. I feel super tired and drained. Hopefully this will be a lessoned learned and I will listen to the sound advice of my husband, friends and even my doctor. Otherwise, I'm not going to heal properly and I will continue to feel...well...BLAH!

Have you ever thought about who we are?
That we are really souls living on earth in what one of my therapists calls "skin suits"? I have to admit I though she was a freak the first time she said it but then it really hit me. We are pretty much that. God created us to live on this earth. God has given each of us a soul and a body to live life in. The bible says we are created in His image. So many times I would sit in church and hear how we are temples of Holy Spirit, God living in us. I would hear about our souls longing for a relationship with our maker. But I never really connected the two...or maybe I did but dismissed it. Yet lately, this seems so much more real to me than ever before.

When we die, our spirit (soul) departs from us. What is left on the earth is an empty shell of who we once existed as. Yet that body isn't who we are. Who we are is on the inside! I've been thinking a lot about this lately for some reason. Especially as my grandmother's get older and having lost both my grandfather's in a part of my mind I keep thinking they are buried in the ground but only their bodies are. I believe both my grandfather's are in heaven and that is where they are.

So about me...
As I have been thinking about my life and how there is so much more to me than my outward appearance, I started to think about how I spend so many days fretting over my appearance, my weight, what I can eat, what I will allow myself to eat, what I can't eat, exercising (sometimes excessively) and clothes and what I have and don't have...IT'S INSANE!!!
Don't get me wrong it is important to take care of our bodies to be healthy, yet there is so much more to us. We are complex and unique! We are fearfully and wonderfully made! God really cares more about who I am on the inside than what I look like on the outside.
IT HITS ME...if I took more of that time that I spend working on my outside, to work on my inside, I would be a pretty amazing person. Not that I'm not already ;) but I do spend too much time on the things that really won't matter when my time is up on this earth! As I type this, I can hear my inner voice saying...yeah yeah, it all sounds good but can you really put it into action. Can you really stop focusing on the material side of you and focus on the inward you? Hopefully, with God's help...YES!!!

Aside from it being about me...
So since I have been trying to look at myself differently and asking God to show me who I am through His eyes, I am starting to see others a little differently. For example, I was sitting in a public restaurant the other day watching people. I love to analyze and people watch, it is one of my favorite things. Typically, when I am in a restaurant I watch what others are eating, counting their calories, sometimes I even judge other people (which is terrible). Yet on this particular day, I started looking at people as souls that God loves. Wondering if they have any clue as to why they are on this earth. Are they lonely? Are they happy? Are they hurting? Then I realized how mind boggling it all was, so many people just in this one restaurant and yet God sees each of their souls. Beyond their hair, makeup, style or lack there of. He sees into their hearts and he knows exactly what they are all thinking and feeling. Pretty amazing!

Just my thoughts for today...

I just finished reading Life Without ED (Eating Disorders) that my friend Ella Walker encouraged me to read. (Ella Walker is an Eating Disorders Therapist and a friend)
I have struggled with anorexia for over twenty four years. I have been in recovery for 12 years. During those 12 years I have had years without a care in the world and maintained a healthy weight. Unfortunately, over the last few years I have been struggling. This book was a refreshing way for me to see that I am human.
I highly encourage anyone who has an eating disorder, recovering or knows someone who has an eating disorder to read this.

Those who know me; know that I have struggled with two things over the years: anorexia and endometriosis. Odd combination! Both diseases have plagued my life with disorder and disruption. Both diseases have been rearing their ugliness lately in a big way. For this blog I won’t be speaking of the anorexia, that is a long story and not one that I am sure I can share in a construction manner right now but I do want to address it as part of my recovery and in hopes that someone else might get something from it as well.

I was first diagnosed with endometriosis back in the early 90’s. Life sucked at least once a month with migraine headaches, severe cramping, vomiting, etc. It completely disrupted my life back then! I would go to doctors looking for relief only to be given prescription meds. Doctors would tell me to basically ‘deal with it’ and move on. So that is what I did. I had ultrasounds that showed abnormal tissue growth and thus doctors diagnosed me with endometriosis. After seeing a few different doctors I was told that I may never be able to conceive a child.
So imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter Selah. She is an absolute miracle! I know all children are miracles and gifts from God but for me, SHE REALLY IS A GIFT FROM GOD!!! Ha-ha God proved those doctors wrong, I got pregnant three months after I got married! One week before my one year wedding anniversary, Brian and I were blessed with Selah! She has been pure joy!

One of the best things about going through a pregnancy was that it gave ‘relief’ from the endometriosis! I was feeling great and thought I had the ultimate cure all and that I would never have to deal with it again. WRONG! Three years after I had Selah, things started up again. We were living in Orlando at the time and I went to a highly recommended doctor who decided to perform a laparoscopy to see what was really going on inside. He found endometrial tissue that was attaching and growing on organs and in my abdominal cavity. During the procedure he was able to laser off a good deal of it. Unfortunately, I really didn’t find relief after the surgery.
A year later, I was experiencing almost excruciating pain. They found an ovarian cyst that was over six cm and I found myself in surgery to have it removed.

Two years later (2006) we had moved to Atlanta and my new doctor wanted to perform another laparoscopy. Once again, more endometrial tissue had appeared. He urged Brian and I to think about pregnancy and I was put on medication. We didn’t feel that having a child was what we wanted to do at that point and it was probably a good thing because six month later (2007) they found a football size cyst on my ovary. I say that they found a cyst but actually I went to the doctor because I started to look pregnant but wasn’t having any other signs of being pregnant except my growing belly. I had a surgery to have it removed along with the ovary and tube! To add insult to injury the doctor found more endometrial tissue that had grown in just six months! I was encouraged to consider starting hormone therapy to try to ease it up but I declined it due to possible side effects (another story for another time but I had a blood disease back in 1995 that really made it a little scary to consider).

In 2009, we moved to Greenville and I was again seeing another doctor. Based on my history he strongly encouraged me to consider a hysterectomy or try hormonal therapy. Brian and I discussed it and I decided to suck it up and deal with the pain. As time went on I was living in constant pain and discomfort. I woke up almost every day with cramping. I would have my cycle two to three times a month. It started affecting my daily life. Anyone who knows me knows I love to run, it was hard to run because I would get shooting pain. The pain would even shoot down my right leg!

So, long story short, last week I finally had the hysterectomy! I found yet another doctor, who came highly recommended as being very conservative when it came to surgery. So when he recommended I have the hysterectomy I knew it was time. Brian and I discussed our options. We are in the middle of an adoption so to try to conceive would mean having another laparoscopy in order to ‘clean things up’ and putting the adoption on hold for at least two years. And to be completely honest, I have no desire to be pregnant and have another biological child. I am 38 years old and in my mind enough is enough. Also, I would only be prolonging the inevitable because it would have to be done at some point.

The surgery went beautifully. I had a total hysterectomy and they were able to do it laparoscopically, so my recovery time will be a lot easier. The doctor was able to leave my remaining ovary so I don’t have to go on hormone replacement, thank God! So to me, having the hysterectomy really was a blessing. I will never conceive and give birth to another child and I am totally at peace with that. God has taken away that desire and totally given me a heart for adoption.

I really feel like this is a new beginning for me. It feels like I can start to live life without pain! Something feels different and I am excited about the future. On top of it all, my recovery has been incredible. I am thankful that I am healthy and physically fit because I feel that has played a big role in recovering. The only downside to it all is that I have to rest for six weeks (which is going to be really, really hard – no weight lifting, no running…) anyone who knows me knows I don’t sit still! I guess I will take this time to start blogging again and focusing on the future!