About 10 months ago I started intensive outpatient therapy for anorexia. It has been a roller coaster ride and sometimes I have thoughts that I it would have been much easier if I just stayed with my illness. I have been officially diagnosed with OCD, ADD and anorexia. It would be so easy for me to say life sucks and crawl in a hole but I am going to fight this and win! This disease has been with me for over twenty years. Sadly, through therapy I have learned that I had many of the warning signs even before the disease fully developed.

The bottom line is I am sick! Very sick and really wanting to get better. Yet I stand in my own way. Ten months ago I opted to do outpatient therapy in lieu of going to a rehab center. In retrospect, I should have gone to rehab. While I have made some progress I mistook it for being better. I took a break from therapy after we brought our son home from Ethiopia. And I stopped taking my medication. I really thought I was in control. I WAS SO WRONG! This illness impacts not only me, but my family and friends. I am defensive and easily set off by things that really don't matter.

Today after three months of 'avoiding' my therapist, I swallowed my pride and went back. It was a harsh reality check for me. Brian went with me and was brutally honest with me. The truth really hurts when your pride is defending you. I am left here this evening playing back the conversation in my head. Knowing that I have to take the first step. My therapist has said it before, if I had cancer I would do whatever I could to get better. Well, Anorexia is a life threatening mental disease. It is the number one killer of all mental illnesses. While I look healthy, I am really unhealthy and completely screwed up in my head.

Tonight I am faced with a decision. Will I fight? Will I surrender to God, EVERYTHING, and trust he will get me through this? Everything I have done to date has not gotten me very far. I don't have all the answers. So now it's time to decide if I am willing to let go of this facade called control and surrender to the 'experts'. The people who God has placed in my life to get better?

My husband believes in me, that I can have a full recovery. My therapist believes I can have full recovery (she is in full recovery from anorexia). Most importantly, tonight I am reminded that Jesus died on the cross for this...for my healing.

So hear is to trying again. Along the way I might/will fall down but Jesus is there to pick me up. He has given me a wonderful family, therapist and friends who will be there if I will let them. I have to put aside my pride, my desire for control and let go.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I love reading other people's blogs! There are so many interesting and wonderful people in this world! God is truly amazing at how he creates us!

I only blog when I feel the need to say something, no intentions of doing this on a regular basis, I don't think my ADHD will allow me that...LOL!

Our adoption blog has suffered recently. (www.runningfornoah.com) nothing new or exciting we are still waiting! The courts recently reopened in Ethiopia so maybe we will hear something within the month.

I started a new blog for journaling something I am going through, but not sure if I will make it public. It is called Já jsem v terapii - which is Czech for I am in therapy. (I am part Czech, part Polish and part Hungarian) It will be more of a personal journaling blog as I deal with some issues around anorexia. Maybe as therapy continues and I start to see some progress I will post it out to the world.

Well I am three weeks post-op and feeling pretty good. I'm going to get a little personal, might be too much information for the few that actually read my blog...hahaha but too bad, you've been warned! AND THIS IS MY BLOG...my online diary so to speak!

Last week I got the ok from the doctor to take on light physical activity as tolerated. I immediately went for a walk and was back in the doctors office because of excessive bleeding and pain. He put me on 'bed rest' for the weekend. That basically meant no lifting, walking, cleaning or cooking (standing for long periods of time). For the most part I took it easy. Unfortunately, the bleeding hasn't stopped yet. It isn't as bad but it's still there. Doc says everything looks okay so it can be from stitches dissolving. It will take a while for things to heal there.

Something I am excited about. Before surgery I was getting my monthly cycle at least twice a month. So about every two weeks. I would cramp all month with certain times being worse. I would get irritable bowels and migraine headaches! Today, I am happy to report that I haven't been cramping, no irritable bowels! Life feels so good right now. The headaches are still there but that is hormonal and I will deal with that! I was able to keep my right ovary so no need for hormones. I lost the left one in 2007 because of a football size cyst.

Today is my first day back at work. I started my day bright and early around 7:15. Trying to tackle the endless emails and getting updated on what I have missed over the last three weeks. By noon, I was completely and utterly exhausted. I get fatigued so easily and all I am doing is sitting and working! I hope things get better in this area, I feel so lost and out of the loop! That feeling SUCKS!!! I am naturally a control freak so this is making me really uncomfortable.

Other stuff...my appetite has been terrible. I am rarely hungry and I'm not sure if that is a self-conscience thing or diliberate?!?! For the past week I have been living off of yogurt - I am totally craving this lately, protein shakes and the occassional meal. Oh and lots of fruit, which is really weird because I am not much of a fruit eater. Way more a veggie girl. Meat makes me want to vomit! On top of that I haven't really been eating sweets, basically because I'm not in the mood for it. Anyone who knows me, knows I love sweets. Yesterday, was Brian's birthday and I made him a chocolate chip cookie cake. I took a bite and like throwing up the rest of the night. I guess that wouldn't be a bad thing to not like sweets...Right???

Well, I need to get back to work, just wanted to throw my thoughts out there.

Today I finally grieved the 'loss' of the child we were going to adopt! The tears flowed like a river and I can say I am emotionally drained.

I received the phone call from the agency on Monday, June 27. Our case manager informed me that the mother of the child we were supposed to be adopting has decided to keep him. In complete shock I called Brian and then drove to his office to be with him. Of course, it hurt like hell and I cried but my mind was a little preoccupied with thinking about our daughter away at camp and surgery that I would be undergoing the following day.

I guess in some way I pushed this event in the back of my mind and decided to pretend everything was ok. Life moved forward, I went through surgery and thus forgot about the ordeal. However, we still had the child's pictures hanging on the side of our fridge in the kitchen. A few days after surgery when I was up and about I threw them away, figuring this would help me overcome our loss.

Friends would send messages telling us that they were praying for us. And for that I am so thankful. God is good!

Now it is a few weeks later and I am sitting in church. Tonight's service was about Faith, Hope and Love but mainly on how Hope fits into that group of words. It was a great message! After the message and during a time of worship it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears flowed, my heart ached. I could feel my throat closing up, the kind of feeling you get when something is really, really wrong. It felt like someone died! I was mourning the loss of this child whom I have grown emotionally attached to through photos, updates and prayer! I love this child even though he will never be mine. I love him with the love of Christ! I mourn the loss but realize what is best for him is to be with his birth mother. Even though I feel like someone has died, like I just went through what I would imagine going through a miscarriage feels like, I have hope! I have hope!!! My faith is in God, I know he loves me and I him. I can only hope that God will bring a child to Brian, Selah, and me. My hope is in God!

Because I've struggled (and still do) with anorexia one of my rules is that when I go to a doctor's office they are not to tell me what my weight is. They respect this wish because they know about my past. However, my current doctor's office has a rule too. They won't tell you how much if you ask them not to but they will tell you if you have gained or loss since your last visit. Today, the nurse said "You realize you've lost weight since your surgery, I just have to let you know that." I smiled and said, "really?"...MUSIC TO MY EARS...or is it?

Deep down inside I was celebrating. I could hear a voice in my head telling me how proud I should be of myself. How wonderful to be in control of what I am putting in my body. I should be proud of the fact that I am not a failure..what??? wait a minute, not a failure because I lost weight???...CRASH...STOP RIGHT THERE JEANNE!!! NO!!! I can't listen to that damn voice it is not the good one! It is amazing how after reading that book, Life Without ED I am starting to recognize certain thoughts/voices. Rather than celebrating the weight loss, which by the way I do not need to lose weight, I should be celebrating that I am healthy and making healthy choices! I need to have a healthy mindset as well. What the scale says does not define me as a person!

One small victory today...being able to recognize that my thoughts need to be refocused!

So my over ambition yesterday for walking has landed me on bed rest by the doctor.
I ran into complications later that night that resulted in excessive bleeding and cramping. The nurse on call was so amazing. She told me what to do and then even called back this morning to check on me. Then she told me that she was going to call the office (it was her day off) and tell them I was coming in.

My doctor was a bit concerned but everything looks ok. He told me to enjoy the rainy day and that I was to sit on a couch or lie in bed for the rest of the day and even the weekend. I am just thankful that nothing is seriously wrong and that all will be ok, but really BED REST??? That is the worst possible punishment to give me because I hate to sit still. I love to be busy and on the go...but this time I am going to listen to the doctor, after all he did go to school for over 8 years and has been at gynecology for a long time...he probably knows what he is talking about.
Oh and if you live in Greenville...I HIGHLY recommend Carolina Women's Health, they have blown me away with their 'above and beyond the call of duty' actions! Simply amazing!

And as for walking/exercise...I will stick to walking the local high school track slowly building up the mileage once I am off of bed rest! No more ambitious multi milers. I've got to take it slow!

So...I got the ok from my doctor to walk and so what did I do, I went for a walk. (eh hem I actually went walking before I got the ok but that was around the local HS track and I was only able to do 1.5 miles before I felt like I was going to pass out from exhaustion). It is quite amazing to me how much surgery takes out of you. (No pun intended on the 'takes out of you part') I feel great and I am mostly pain free yet doing ordinary physical activities is absolutely draining!

Any who, my husband is working from home today and I holler upstairs to his office that I am going for a walk. He sounds hesitant to let me out the door, he knows how stubborn I am. He says ok and tells me that whe will be here, I tell him I am bringing my cell phone and out the door I go for a 'walk'...No running...I still have stitches and I don't want to jostle my body that much. As a disclaimer let me just say that I should have taken the advice of my friend Wendi, when I spoke to her earlier today about going for a walk! She encouraged me to take it easy, try only a mile loop...that sounded good at the time...but...

As I set out I only planned on walking a mile...seriously...HOWEVER...I get to a mile and I feel pretty good. My right leg is slightly numb and feels a little heavier than my left but I am chalking that up to the surgery and it will go away. I should have turned around at that point! But no, I am stubborn and strong willed so I set out to do two more miles...By the time I got to the two mile marker I was wiped out!!! Stupid Jeanne, really stupid!!! Then I start to play mind games with myself to ward off the fatigue. That's when I hear "perfectionist Jeanne" say..."Look how strong you are, pushing through fatigue, look how strong you are"! UH WRONG!!! Look how ridiculous you are is more like it. What do I have to prove? I just had major surgery. Why does everything in my life have to be to an extreme? Why can't I just ease back into something? Why is it all or nothing?

Good news is, I made it home safely. I feel super tired and drained. Hopefully this will be a lessoned learned and I will listen to the sound advice of my husband, friends and even my doctor. Otherwise, I'm not going to heal properly and I will continue to feel...well...BLAH!