Today I finally grieved the 'loss' of the child we were going to adopt! The tears flowed like a river and I can say I am emotionally drained.

I received the phone call from the agency on Monday, June 27. Our case manager informed me that the mother of the child we were supposed to be adopting has decided to keep him. In complete shock I called Brian and then drove to his office to be with him. Of course, it hurt like hell and I cried but my mind was a little preoccupied with thinking about our daughter away at camp and surgery that I would be undergoing the following day.

I guess in some way I pushed this event in the back of my mind and decided to pretend everything was ok. Life moved forward, I went through surgery and thus forgot about the ordeal. However, we still had the child's pictures hanging on the side of our fridge in the kitchen. A few days after surgery when I was up and about I threw them away, figuring this would help me overcome our loss.

Friends would send messages telling us that they were praying for us. And for that I am so thankful. God is good!

Now it is a few weeks later and I am sitting in church. Tonight's service was about Faith, Hope and Love but mainly on how Hope fits into that group of words. It was a great message! After the message and during a time of worship it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears flowed, my heart ached. I could feel my throat closing up, the kind of feeling you get when something is really, really wrong. It felt like someone died! I was mourning the loss of this child whom I have grown emotionally attached to through photos, updates and prayer! I love this child even though he will never be mine. I love him with the love of Christ! I mourn the loss but realize what is best for him is to be with his birth mother. Even though I feel like someone has died, like I just went through what I would imagine going through a miscarriage feels like, I have hope! I have hope!!! My faith is in God, I know he loves me and I him. I can only hope that God will bring a child to Brian, Selah, and me. My hope is in God!